unhingedchaos | A newly converted rat has a birthday

Probably in whatever cabinets they have here. But you shouldn't just let me put it on.

[ He can't do this. Can't do any of this. If he'd died, it would have been getting what he deserved. Maybe his karma is surviving and seeing everything crumble? The consequences of his actions?

Fuck that. He slips his hand under the pillow, grips it into a fist, hard enough the nails dig into skin. A brief reprieve. It's awful but it helps. ]

Like. Make me earn it again. Then let me.

…If that’s what you want. Okay.

[ Gavin looks away. Drumming his fingers against the bed’s railing before he heads over to start poking around the cabinets. Finding a draw-string bag with Mike’s clothes and, presumably, the ring.

He sets the bag by his chair. Is he supposed to just… what? Keep the ring in his pocket? A constant reminder of both their fuck-ups?

Then Gavin’s curling back up beneath his jacket. Feeling very small in his stupid little chair. ]

If he died… you would’ve died, too. So he did that, at least.

Did what, failed to do the world a favor?

[ He's not backing down on this particular view anytime soon, if ever. He doesn't get why it turned out the way it did. He's pissed about it, actually.

And now he has to, what? Pretend he's cool with surviving until this kid inside comes out? What then? What happens then? ]

It's not what I want, though. Trying to think of what's fair.

Oh, so it’s fine if the shoe is on the other foot, yeah? You can’t lose me, no no no. But if I lose you? Then everyone would just be holding hands and prancing around and shit? Fuck you. Nobody would be better off with you dead.

[ Gavin tugs his hood up over his face. Groans.

After pulling it off, tucking it just beneath his chin, he squints at Mike. ]

Name one person. One. Fucking. Person.

You know I used to have friends? For a few years at least. Pretty sure they'd all be better off. Kinda hard to know when they're all dead.

[ Except stupid Ashley. The fact she never WENT HOME was going to fuck her over eventually. He wasn't awesome enough to meditate between her and common sense. ]

So you think — what? They’ll suddenly be happier, wherever the hell they are now, if you died? Or if you died before meeting them?

[ Gavin pats his stomach. Gestures to Mike’s. ]

If you don’t want to live for me, at least live for… you know.

Who said I'm not living? There's a difference between being pissed about it and making a permanent choice that I can't take back.

[ Hr wants to touch that stomach again, but he's not going to ask Gavin to get up again. He needs to rest. ]

Don't worry about it. I've seen what happens to people when they do that way too much.

It’s not just about living. It’s about not making our kids’ lives hell, too, just because of what’s inside your head.

[ Gavin yawns. Almost wishes he could crawl up and lay in bed with Mike, but that’s exactly what he said he wouldn’t do. Doesn’t want to risk knocking him around and hurting him, anyway. ]

Of course I’m gonna worry. Always gonna worry. Think I’ve earned that.

I'm not going to - what is it you think I'd do?

[ He wishes the same. Let's be honest, in about five minutes he's going to be a brat about it, if they don't fall asleep first.

And why would that happen? ]

Obviously. You've earned the right to do whatever the hell you want.

[ Admittedly, he imagines Mike and the kids....without himself. However Mike might hold up like that.

Maybe it’s stupid to think he wouldn’t do well. Maybe it’s silly to think he’d even care after a while. ]

I dunno. I guess I just... worry. I wouldn’t be —

[ — a good dad, anyway. ]

Jesus. Haven’t earned the right to do whatever I want. Could stop pressing your little pain button, yeah? You think I’ve earned that?

I don't want to be a shitty dad. I've seen it enough. But it's not like I know anything else.

The guy we think is my dad? He never called me by name, not even once. It was always 'Spare'.

As in spare parts. Only useful if nobody else is around.

[ Why can't he stop talking? Fuck that, he doesn't need to share all this. It's not like it matters or changes anything. ]

You'd only do that if it was important not to, so yeah. That too.

You won’t be a shitty dad. Duh. You’re too good. You treat these kids half as good as you treat me, and they’ll be fine.

Probably no weird trackers and shit, though. No swinging by their school and pretending to be a teacher.

[ Gavin has to smile at the thought of that: teacher Mike with his big, cute glasses. ]

Yeah, well, your dad is a dick. Or was? Think he’s dead. Good. You’re not just “spare” anything to me.

[ Although Mike should be resting, Gavin doesn’t mind the chatter. Prefers it to them arguing. ]

Think you might’ve missed the memo, but it’s cute you think I’m this good, responsible person.

Don't think I could pull that part off. Get too pissed at idiots.

[ He doesn't point out he kind of fucked up too much for anyone to say he's treated him well. If they aren't talking about it then it'll lay there for awhile. Elephant in the damn room.

And really, he should be some sort of spare to him, too. Would have prevented a lot of pain. ]

I don't think that, no. But you are when it comes to when I need something.

[ Maybe not one particular thing but who cares? ]

Edited 2025-09-26 18:55 (UTC)

Mmm. You and me both. I think you’d be better, though. Than me. Like, could see you trying to do what’s best for the kids. Maybe enter dick mode for the kids, but... you’ll be a good dad.

[ Gavin sits up in his chair. His expression very much cat who got the cream: pleased by the acknowledgment of his flaws, albeit vaguely. ]

Oh? So I’m not all good and responsible? Glad to hear it.

[ He looks away. Pondering. Usually he likes getting his boots all licked, but... that’s not realistic right now. Isn’t what’ll help either of them. ]

Sometimes you just treat me like I’m god’s gift to the earth, or something.

You're acting like I ever pretend your flaws don't exist.

[ He's definitely never tried to come across that way? It would downplay his own feelings, dammit. He makes a face at him. ]

Everything about you is what makes you great. Flaws and all.

I'm never going to say they're not there. I'm going to say I enjoy them.

Sometimes you just... make me feel overly special. Or overly right.

[ He purses his lips, thinking of all the times Mike has tried to placate him. Like agreeing that he’s earned the right to do whatever he wants. ]

You’ll just be all “yes yes, Gavin. Whatever you say, Gavin. I’ll do whatever you say to get you to shut the fuck up.”

Don’t like that. Don’t like fighting but I don’t like it when you just let me win, either.

You’re weird. For enjoying my flaws. You know that, right?

Not letting you win, not trying to get you to shut up. But you're probably still used to the idea of me pistol whipping you.

Thought we were a little past that.

[ He shrugs. Doesn't care about being weird. He's happy with it, really. He sits up a little to shoot a look at him. ]

Then I'm probably weird I can't sleep, right? Because you're all the way over there.

[ Right on time? ]

Edited 2025-09-26 19:29 (UTC)

Yeah, well. Maybe I’m not past all that. Not past it at all.

[ He does sometimes think of earlier in their relationship, or whatevership, but it’s with an odd fondness.

What if he hadn’t been the first to blab his feelings? What if? ]

Oh, no. All the way over here. Whatever will you do, Mike?

[ Gavin scoots his chair a single inch closer. ]

Better?

I can't do any of that. Not anymore. But I can figure out something.

[ He shakes his head at the question. As if it would be enough! Because the chair being closure doesn't resemble what he actually wants.

He pouts but doesn't really notice he's doing it. ]

Not at all. Come on.

[ Scooting the chair another inch closer. Obnoxious scraping sound against the floor.

Gavin just stares. Trying to keep a straight face but the corner of his lips curl into a smile. ]

Oh? Then this should be fine.

In what world?

[ Grumble grumble grumble. He considers what to do next then, even though he'll regret the loss, he takes his pillow and tosses it at his face.

Whoops, bratting here. ]

[ Gavin takes the pillow to his face like a champ. Patting it once he has it in his lap. ]

Not giving this back, you know. You’re lucky I can’t throw this at you.

[ He shrugs. ]

If you just... tell me what you want. Maybe I’ll do it. This one time.

You.

[ He says it as if it should be obvious, but also as if this is something (someone) he's unquenchably desperate for. Not in a sexual way, that's for times he didn't just get his chest cut open while under, his breastbone split in half and ribs pulled apart. Put plainly, horny shit is far from his mind, thanks.

But emotionally? Yeah, that's something else. But he's been keeping it to himself, stuffing it deep inside. But not if he's being prompted like that. ]

You said you won't come into the bed but at least be closer. At least.

[ Gavin picks up his stupidly small chair. Gets it as close as he can to the bed. ]

Happy?

[ He doesn’t sit down just yet, though; looming over Mike instead. Looking down at him as he fusses with his blankets. Soft expression on his face: uncomfortably vulnerable. ]

Lift your head up. You need your pillow more than me.

[ If Mike acquiesces, Gavin will slip it beneath his head. ]

Got that oversized head of yours.

It's not -

[ He definitely let him put the pillow in place but he grabs for Gavin's hand before he can withdraw it.

If he manages to take it, he'll just look at him and hold it tightly without saying a damn thing. ]

CW harmful impulses and self loathing

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LMAO ASH

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I forgot the keywords on this icon I'm laughing

LMAO beautiful

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How did I not get this notification

betrayed by the notification 🙀

CW description of rough medical procedure

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