unhingedchaos | an american horror show (michael's hospital catch-all)

Don't want you doing that, actually. That's why I keep fucking saying if you don't want to be here then you need to do what you really want.

[ He's starting to see everything differently. It's not about getting it back to the engagement. That's not happening and it's clear he shouldn't let it happen if it was - it would be selfish of him.

He didn't have to stop walking because it wasn't meant for him to achieve his goal. It was because it wasn't meant to happen before he could actually assert certain things that had to be made clear.

Do that and then he could tie everything up with a nice little bow. Be free of every mistake he'd ever made. Stop making people deal with the consequences of having him around. ]

I think actually making me feel like I'm worth more than a pretty face is special, actually. Getting me to believe I could quit the drugs because they aren't the thing making sure I'm worth having around.

It's not like I chose that addiction.

Edited 2025-10-13 03:04 (UTC)

I’m gonna do what I fucking want. Thanks.

[ Snapping that last bit mockingly. Imitating Mike’s voice. ]

Not that what I want is the right fucking answer here, because it’s not and at least I know that.

[ He turns back to Mike. Forever scowling. Plopping down beside him on the bench, scooting close just to be annoying. Thigh pressed against Mike’s. ]

Give me your fucking hand.

[ He doesn't really notice the mocking imitation, which is probably for the best. To his credit, he doesn't move away but it's his first impulse. Not the right thing to do, though.

But he doesn't know if giving his hand is either so he just doesn't do it. Doesn't move anything at all. ]

What is it you want exactly? Might as well tell me.

Unfortunately for you, I want to marry you.

[ He says this almost flippantly. As if these newest words aren’t directly in conflict with what he’s been yammering on about.

It’s easier like this: not having direct eye contact. Not having to acknowledge Mike’s facial expressions responding to his bullshit. ]

I want to wake up and I want you to be there. I want to touch your face when you’re sleeping, or wake up and you’re already looking at me with those big, stupid eyes.

[ He starts fishing around in Mike’s pocket: looking for those rings. ]

I want to be with you. I just don’t know how, if you haven’t fucking realized by now. It’s not like getting married is gonna keep us from arguing. And someday you’re gonna...

[ His hand pauses its digging as he really chews over the thought. Chews over the words he’s been haunted by for months. ]

Someday you’re gonna realize this is all wrong, and I’m gonna be all alone because there’s not going to be anyone after you, Mike. Because you have fucking ruined me for anyone else, and I hope you know that. You could leave right now and there would never be any-fucking-one else.

And if you want that, why's it not the right thing? Is it because you think I'm leaving?

[ He's frustrated with himself but in a disconnected sort of way. That flat affect is back and he should be able to engage with this more. Do anything other than sit there and just wait and see if Gavin finds what he's looking for. It's almost bizarre to let someone go through your pocket and not do anything about it.

But responding verbally is the best he can do. It's a Herculean effort of intense proportions. It's something he's doing because he loves him. The fact there's no way to make that clear is fucking stupid as hell. ]

I've said a million times I'm only leaving if it actually looks like you'd be better off. If I was gone it wouldn't be because I walked away.

[ Dangerous to be that blatant. He needs to choose his words more carefully. ]

And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

[ Ignoring Mike’s questions, sorry. What he said after is more important. ]

So if I fuck this up, you’re just gonna — what? Die?

[ Gavin’s fingertips touch the rings, yeah, but he leaves them be. Feels wrong to force it, now. He imagines Mike might feel bad if he did that, too. As if Mike pressured him into shoving the damn things on.

When, really, that couldn’t be further from the truth. ]

No? What?

[ He actually looks at him now. Because yeah, it's a reeling shock like a sucker punch. He never said anything because he didn't want it to look like it would be Gavin's fault, didn't want him to think that. So of course, the moment he slipped up, he caused exactly that perception.

This is why he wasn't ever supposed to say anything, thanks. It's not something that was ever going to go well and if he ended up causing a situation where he only had him because the guy was afraid he'd die? That would just be hell for everyone involved. ]

You're not responsible for the state of my life. The only thing you're responsible for is making sure you're here because you want to be.

Oh, right. Not responsible for the state of your life. Not like marriage means we’re supposed to take care of each other, yeah? Or did you not think about that at all?

[ God, that face. Those eyes. It would he easier to turn away, but Gavin just stares right back. Expression sad. Pulling his hand away and letting it drop in his lap. ]

Is being with me so bad that you’re already... thinking those things? Planning?

Do you not get the point I've been making? Over and over again?

[ He's just giving him a look, the kind that says he doesn't feel like he's being heard and he just wants to be listened to. But it's not really like he has room to talk, is it? Mike's not been great about hearing Gavin's side, either. ]

Of course I fucking thought about it. Why would I be so intent about making it happen if I hadn't?

Do you even realize the shit I've put up with from people in the past? Do you not get how much better you actually are?

[ He pulls up his shirt, he doesn't care about being in the open air, around other people. He pulls it up enough to show both his stomach and chest. ]

If you weren't better, I wouldn't have all these fucking scars because of other people going wrong?

Do you really need that drastic of proof? Because I'll keep going.

Obviously I don’t understand your point. Because you keep insisting you’re not gonna leave me, no, except you actually would. Just fucking worse, apparently. Just gonna leave me in a body bag, yeah?

[ The truth is that Gavin does need more proof. Will always need more, maybe. Because the security, the safety, the certainty that he’d felt before and after Mike proposed — that was a fluke, wasn’t it? Has to have been a goddamn fluke.

He looks down at Mike’s chest. Reaching with his hand, pausing for a second before he presses his palm against him. Not seeking any particular scar; just touching him. ]

Guess I thought that you...

[ He almost cuts himself off there. Almost. ]

Thought that maybe you wouldn’t think that way anymore. Wouldn’t go and plan and seek that shit anymore. Because of... y’know. Me.

[ God, he knows how pathetic that sounds. How stupid. But it feels like a failing on his part: that Mike could still want to die.

How often, Gavin wonders? How serious? ]

How many... how many times have I almost lost you?

[ The overdose. The stabbing.

And...? ]

I don't want you fucking thinking that if anything happens it's because of you, when I'm really only around right now because you make me want to try.

[ He puts his hand on Gavin's wrist, holds gently. He doesn't pull the guy's hand away or anything, he's just holding. He sort of has to at the moment. ]

It's on me. For not taking my stupid medication because I'm afraid it'll make me relapse. For not being honest with my therapist so I don't have to deal with anything.

How am I supposed to react in a way that keeps me alive when I'm not the one trying?

It's not on you, it's on me. It'll never be anything but on me.

[ And suddenly, awfully, he feels so guilty over that it makes him want to sink into the goddamn ground. ]

Of course it’d be because of me. Because I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t bitching at you enough to take your goddamn meds, to stop lying in therapy. Not like I can really do much about that last thing, but I can still whine and whine.

So.

[ Gavin awkwardly reaches into Mike’s pocket with his free hand. Grabbing the rings this time. Not letting go. ]

If you swear some shit to me, I’ll say you’ve earned putting my ring back on. Okay?

And you can — [ mumbling ] — ask some shit of me, too.

And don’t you go saying you don’t deserve to ask me for shit, because you do. I wouldn’t offer that if I didn’t mean it. That’s fair. This has to be a fair exchange, Mike.

Okay. It'll be fair.

[ But how is anything fair if it's based on the premise something could be Gavin's fault? He doesn't know what he needs to say but he has to say something.

He'll figure it out. Soon. Please? He needs to figure it out. So he can make up -

For what, exactly? Being himself? That feels odd. If he wasn't himself, why would Gavin be saying all this? He's confused and it shows in his eyes. ]

What do I need to swear?

[ His hold on Gavin's wrist tightens slightly. Just enough to feel more grounded. ]

Edited 2025-10-13 08:37 (UTC)

You have to take your meds. Have to be honest in therapy. You don’t get to give up on those things. If you don’t like your therapist? We get you a new one. Worried about meds? You talk to your therapist about that. Get re-evaluated, whatever. But you don’t just stop letting people try to help.

And if you think you’re gonna... hurt yourself, or if you really wanna go through with it — you have to tell someone. Me or your therapist or fucking Klaus, but it has to be someone who gives a fuck about you. It has to be someone who’ll help you. And don’t you try and be smart about this and be like, “oh, I thought this random motherfucker gave a shit” — no.

[ He doesn’t want to say that it has to be someone Gavin-approved, but ... honestly? Yeah. ]

I would rather you tell me, and I hope you do, but I’m not gonna make you swear to that. I know you can’t tell me everything.

And...

[ He has to look back down at Mike’s chest for this. ]

If you ever want to leave me, in the not dying sense, you have to. No fucking around. No stringing me along. Just honesty.

I can agree to all of it, but -

[ He lets the shirt fall. Not because he minds being looked at, but because he has to reach out and touch Gavin. Mike places a hand on the back of his neck, pulling him in closer. He moves in enough that it might seem like he's going to kiss him but he rests his forehead against his.

Mike's eyes close for a moment, then two, before he looks again. Really studies him from up close. ]

Why? Why don't you run from me? Honestly?

[ He wants to know. It doesn't matter if he thought he'd be dead.

He wants to know why he's sticking around. ]

[ Gavin makes a pleased sound deep in his throat, definitely not like a purr, when he thinks Mike is going to kiss him.

But the forehead touching? A nice alternative. ]

Because you’re not the only one who’s selfish here. Duh. Maybe that can be good for us.

[ Mumbling: ] And I don’t want anyone else looking at me the way you do. Told you, you ruined me.

[ Don’t want you looking at other people that way, either, he thinks. But it’s still a sore topic. ]

Looking at you how?

[ Mike, verified dipshit, asking this like he's not looking at him in that way at this very moment. It's not like he can see himself, okay? And he can't fucking help it.

Everything says he should have lost this but he hasn't. How is that even fucking possible? So yeah, he's giving him that over the goddamn moon look of his. What else is he supposed to do? ]

I don't get it.

Maybe you not getting it is what makes it so good. ‘Cause if you don’t even know what the hell you’re doing, it’s not like you can force it, yeah?

[ Gavin purses his lips. Tries to explain. ]

You look at me like... I’m the fucking moon and stars. Whatever. You moon-eyed dipshit.

Don't need to force it. No way to force it.

[ How does he explain this? It's difficult and he shrugs before doing so. He's not moving away or changing the way he's looking at him at all, but he is trying explain. ]

I've tried to force it. The girl just kinda thought I was going to murder her instead.

[ Maybe because they were in the woods and he said he definitely wasn't going to? Anyway. He can't help it at this point, he gives him that kiss he should have a few minutes ago. Quick but intense, like he's waited years. ]

... so I agreed, you know? I'll do everything you said.

[ Mike saying he can’t force it? Gavin believes that. Some things he still finds difficult to believe, but this one feels easy.

Definitely getting distracted by that kiss, now. Brushing his nose against Mike’s; raising a hand to curl around the side of his neck.

God, Gavin’s even smiling. ]

Okay.

[ Waiting for Mike to state his terms. Because that’s what they agreed, and that’s what’s fair. ]

Okay?

[ Uh-huh? He's just waiting for those rings. He doesn't remember he was supposed to state terms and he doesn't care about doing so, either.

Dumbshit. So much of one. But one that loves a rat. ]

You need some time to process, or what?

[ It’s not as if there’s a time limit for this, but Gavin thought Mike would be ready to do whatever it took to get these damn rings back on their hands.

The nagging contrarian in him insists that maybe that’s not what Mike wants at all, but Gavin ignores all that nonsense. For now. ]

Terms, Mike. What do you want me to do for you?

[ He doesn't even take a second to think about it. It takes two seconds to know what he wants when he realizes he should be saying something. ]

Trust me that I know what makes me happy and that's you. Actually try to accept I'm making a choice that I want to be here.

Let me be the one in charge of where I'm staying and understand that's with you.

[ He pulls back enough to look him in the eye and touches his cheek. ]

Because how the fuck would I ever say goodbye to this face?

You are the only person I’d offer concessions to, and that’s what you ask for? Jesus. I give you things to do, and you give me things to try.

[ Anyone else would have told him to stop being such a dick, probably.

Mike isn’t asking for it, but Gavin would like to listen better. Maybe. Actually chew over and process words before being — well, a dick. But can he hold himself to such standards? Doubtful.

Because Mike just loves him anyway, apparently? Dipshit’s just gone and accepted that part of him?

Gavin makes an annoyed, perhaps obnoxious, huffing sound. ]

Yes yes yes. Whatever. You just have to remind me sometimes. Maybe. It’s like training a stubborn ass cat. You gotta put in the time. The effort. I’m high class.

[ As if Mike being here hasn’t proved that he’s already dedicated. ]

Oh, yeah. Definitely got a face people can’t say no to here.

[ Gavin rolls his eyes, but it’s largely true: he’s just talking about Mike’s, not his own.

So he pats Mike’s hand, looking off beside them as he does so. Rolling the rings in his other hand. ]

Um. You know.

[ Offering his palm to show Mike the rings. ]

Put it on me. Clown fucking... weirdo.

Why would I ask for anything else? That's all I fucking want. Everything else is exactly the way I want it, because you're the one I want and it's you doing any of it.

[ He picks up the ring that belongs on Gavin. Making eye contact with him, he raises it to his lips and kisses it to - what? Lay more feelings into it, probably. He then takes ahold of the hand it belongs on. ]

Here's what I expect from myself. Because you missed a few things, thanks.

[ He's just going to hold onto everything for the moment, while looking at him with so much affection in his eyes. He's calling himself out but he's doing it because he wants to treat him exactly how he knows the man deserves. ]

Don't be a fucker about hiding my feelings.

Don't mess with anyone else, we don't need to learn the hard way again.

[ Who needs to find out 'cheating bad' by being stabbed? DIPSHITS, that's who. Capital fucking letters dipshits. ]

Ask you before I get upset about something and assume. We don't need me fucking walking off again either. I can't tell you not to do that shit but do it too.

[ He's just going to go ahead and put that ring on Gavin now, if he's allowed. ]

an american horror show (michael's hospital catch-all)

CW uhh literally giving up

NOOO MIKE

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CW trauma response/SI

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Keywords but he's not actually saying it outside his VIBE

fhfjfj love it (also gasps @ getting to reference my favorite Gav song WHAT !!!)

YES PERFECT REFERENCE

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Autocorrect swapping multiple words to rats like I'M HELPING, SEE

autocorrect demands MORE RATS

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